2am thoughts

So it is currently past 2am, I am lying in bed having just finished watching Luke Cage (brilliant by the way) and I can’t bring myself to sleep. No time like the present to write down thoughts from my head for this week’s post.

To start with I had a really good weekend comparatively speaking, my mind wasn’t always in the best way but overall it was worth the stress and self hatred – I won’t go into too much detail in this post mostly because I want to be able to write about it in a better frame of mind so that I can focus on the positives (definitely not that foul lime vodka shot SOMEONE put in my Barney Stintson mug though!) but also because my brain right now is just not in the right place for me to be shoving positives at it.

ARGH JUST LOOKED UP AND THERE IS A FRICKING SPIDER HANGING FROM A COBWEB ABOVE MY FACE! But I am way to lazy to care more than typing in all caps right now so hey lil’ spider please stay there away from my face.

One thought that has sprung up in my mind more recently is my inability to hold eye contact with people these days (out of interest if you know me irl and have noticed this then would be interesting to know if you have noticed it…on second thoughts maybe I don’t want to know the answer). It was only when I was sat in a room with a friend, a couple of weeks back, who caught me in quite an intense moment of eye contact that I realised that I genuinely couldn’t hold it. It was strange. I didn’t think too much about it but then when visiting friends at university I was introduced to a number of people (not all at once) but I found myself rarely looking at them or if I did not being able to look them in the face while I talked to them or them to me, instead focusing on the distance or on one of my friends faces. I feel I should also point out that although normal for others this I feel to be unlike me, or at least the me from a couple of years ago. The me I still think I am until something like this pops up and parades the truth.

This is an interesting concept for me as it could be explained, in my opinion anyway, through a couple of ways. Firstly, the wiring in my brain which is buggered has finally led to the decreased amount of social worth and self confidence creating a direct display of itself. Secondly, my complete lack of social interaction for large amounts of time from the amounts of people I was used to when I was in education has added to my inability to look people in the eye. Thirdly, I have let my guard down significantly so that I am unused to putting it back up again so it is easier for the cracks to show, which is scary because if I can’t fool myself then I certainly can’t be fooling that many other people (except for the blindly ignorant looking pointedly at no one in particular).

Another thought that often springs to my mind is thus:

“The Spare. You know the ones, the characters who briefly appear to aid a filler storyline who is gone within the end of the episode. The one that just doesn’t really have any being or importance.”

More than ever with summer approaching, lives changing and my brain returning to the what feels like the start of yet another cycle of shit, I feel like that spare. It often occurs to me and do you know what at least I get to be in that movie right? (or book, because books are totally better!) At least when the main characters get to tell their story I’ll be included somewhere. Maybe my part won’t be told in the way I want it to be told, or the way it actually happened but at least I would be there? And in my accompanying shortlived experience I would be able to say I got to see the script for the episode.

I am not sure how this all ties together but it has felt good just to type. Maybe I’ll edit this later and decide that it was all shite, but this has been my 2am ramblings (techincally now 2:49am ramblings) and I probably should force myself to sleep.

Here’s to the thoughts,

S

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